My answer to WBRU's Sound Off: Summertime in Rhode Island!
My summer plan is to pick up a prostitute and make her my lady. I’ll wine her and dine her. I’ll take her to Applebees. None of that fast food shit. I keep it classy.
Then I’ll take her to Waterfire. We’ll gaze at the water and I’ll explain to her how the fire got on the water. “No Sweetie, the devil didn’t set the water on fire. No, the Apocalypse isn’t happening. Oh, your cracky paranoia is so adorable.” I’ll buy her some of those roasted nuts because really, those girls love their nuts. We’ll hold hands and hide behind a random sculpture erected by a jaded RISD student when a cop walks by.
We’ll then take a drive over to that broken bridge. We’ll sit on the shore and she’ll describe how the bridge reminds her of her pimp. “Oh Honey, don’t make me jealous.”
Then I’ll take her to the Holiday Inn Express (remember that I keep it classy) and then do cocaine of her ass.
Then I’ll wake up and she will be gone and taken my wallet and my clothing. I’ll cry. I’ll walk over to the lobby wearing just the shower curtain to use their phone. They’ll give me that knowing nod as I give then a half smile and call my friend for some clothing and a ride. Then we’ll go to IHOP.
Yup, so that’s my plan. It’s either that or hang out at the mall. You know, either or…
